I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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