I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
