I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize