is your mom at the bar?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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