I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
