So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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