Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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