You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
