he thought i was a dude.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize