I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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