I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
