He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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