I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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