Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why do cheetos always look like penises
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
