I CAN MOONWALK!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
