Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
