Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
