I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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