I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
