I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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