theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
