I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
