I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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