so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
