dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
