Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
