I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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