my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
