Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize