if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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