Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You are a genius and a whore.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
