did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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