when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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