You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
