dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
