I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
