it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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