my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize