Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
