So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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