I CAN MOONWALK!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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