I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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