this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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