I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
