Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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