im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
