I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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