Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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