apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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