there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
