you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
