What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
