kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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