Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
two words...techno handjob
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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