You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
