I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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