It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
