Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Me too!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
